Why and how you drive your partner nuts and how to shift everything in your relationship
Are you aware that you drive your partner nuts? In the process of falling in love, an “ideal” was created in the relationship and it’s become an impossible standard. Perfection is an illusion. And having “the perfect” relationship is a fallacy given that both you and your partner are imperfect beings. What’s worse, most people fall into one of two camps. You either got into the relationship because you thought you could change your partner, or you did it because you expected them to stay the same. Think about it. You have created an ideal version of your partner and they are not living up to this unrealistic standard.
That famous line from Jerry Maguire, “You complete me,” has made things even worse. It implies that neither person in the relationship “whole” and that the purpose of the relationship is for each person to complete the other person. In other words, rather than owning my own deficiencies and working on them myself, I’m supposed to and find someone who can make up for my lacking in ways that makes us both hole. It’s a crazy idea that set’s couples up for disappoint, tension and, if not checked, the downfall of the relationship.
How to Shift Everything In Your Relationship
Stop looking to your partner to “fix” the things that you get to work on for yourself. Own your buttons. When your partner pushes your buttons or “tags” you, this is the time to look inward, not at them. The only reason that your partner pushes your buttons is because you have buttons to push. The best solution here is to work on not having any buttons at all. That’s the work in any long-term relationship. To realize that you’re on your journey just like your partner is on theirs. You drive each other nuts when you have unrealistic expectations on each other.
Rather than holding your partner to an impossible standard, see them as they are. They were born whole, perfect and complete. Along the way, they have grown into the person you fell in love with. The question is, why are you putting expectations on them? They love you too and yet they don’t want to be held to some impossible standard any more than you do. It’s time to shift everything in your relationship so that you have the kind of relationship you truly desire.
Reframe: Shift From Expectations to Appreciation
This begins with acknowledging any and all expectations you have. Think about what you want from your partner and any gaps you are currently experiencing. This is how you get to the bottom of the expectations you’ve developed along the way. Those expectations are what’s stopping you from having the relationship you truly desire. Instead of building up those expectations, it’s time to tear them down and truly see what’s there. Rather than wanting your partner to be something they are not, appreciate who they are and where they are right now in this moment. Be present to the many, many gifts they bring into this relationship. Honor and appreciate those gifts with your own gratitude and acknowledgment.
You cannot change your partner. What you can do is change yourself. And, in doing so, the person you become can have a powerful influence on your partner. That influence comes from you working on yourself, dropping any expectations you have on your partner and deeply appreciating what you have. It’s so much more important to appreciate all the beautiful gifts that your partner gives you day in and day out. They are all around you when you choose to see them. Avoid being blinded by your own expectations. These expectations are setting you up for massive disappointment. Instead, see your partner for who they truly are, not who you want them to be. This will shift everything in your relationship.